I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
