after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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