how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
