New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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