my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
