I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You were trust falling into bushes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
