dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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