My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
