this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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