so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
