he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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