is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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