This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
