I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
