I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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