I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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