I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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