I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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