I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
