Having a random hookup so left but love u
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
