The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
