PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
