Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
