I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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