I haven't been this sober since birth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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