I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
True strength comes from lack of pants
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
