I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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