I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
