she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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