i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And then he peed in my hair
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