Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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