I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
