Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
