I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
