nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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