pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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