your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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