he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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