btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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