but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
