Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
