Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
