Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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