HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
