Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
