even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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