I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
