Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
