My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
