apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
